Hello again fair readers and welcome back to another year of the Juris Publici Blog! We here at the J.P. blog know you have a lot of website options when procrastinating, and we’d like to thank you for choosing us.
Readers, I’ve taken it upon myself get this country out of the recession. Too many Americans are struggling to make ends meet these days, but I have the solution. GAMBLING! Reckless unadulterated football gambling. Why work to make money when Vegas is practically giving it away. I mean did you know that the Cleveland Browns still exist!? You bet 2k against them every week and you got yourself a new car by December. Every week I will be bringing you the tips you need to break the bank and stay in your bookie’s good graces. So take out that second mortgage, redistribute that 401K, pawn that wedding ring and put it all on my winners. LET’S MAKE SOME MONEY!
NOTE: While every pick I make it sure winner, there are some games that I am absolutely positive about. Because I am an upstate New Yorker, (518 represent) these games will designated the ERIE CANAL LOCKS OF THE WEEK.
Home teams are in Capital Letters.
BEARS -10 over Colts
When you got a rookie QB, on a team that went 2 – 14 last year, making his first start on the road, you’re going to want to bet against him. Also there is the slightest chance and Jay Cutler doesn’t suck…the very slightest.
VIKINGS -4 over Jaguars ***A ERIE CANAL LOCK OF THE WEEK
Hey law students you got loans you can’t pay off? Not anymore! Blaine Gabbert and the rest of the Washington Generals Jacksonville Jaguars are giving you 16 chances to get back in the black.
Important note: actually watching a Jaguars game may cause temporary blindness, depression, suicidal thoughts, and a fondness for soccer. Consult your doctor before beginning a Jaguars regiment.
Bills +3 over the JETS
At this point I think the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS are the only ones that don’t know Mark Sanchez S-U-C-K-S SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.
TEXANS -12 over Dolphins
When you got a rookie QB, with red hair, you’re going to want to bet against him.
LIONS – 7.5 over Rams
Let’s do the calculations quickly. (Sam Bradford + Ndamukong Suh) x Replacement Refs = Headless Sam Bradford. See law students…sometimes math can be fun!
PATRIOTS – 6 over Titans ***A ERIE CANAL LOCK OF THE WEEK
Gambling Tip #1: Never bet against Mr. Thomas Edward Brady unless you have a good reason, like if he’s playing Eli Manning in the Super bowl, or Bridget Moynahan has begun wearing the Bane mask and has rigged Gillette Stadium with explosives.
Redskins +8 over SAINTS
Normally this is where I’d cut and paste the “don’t bet on the rookie QB cliché,” but the Saints had the worst off season imaginable. I think they’re dragging out an interim interim head coach for this one. Which brings us to Gambling Tip #2: when it doubt take the points.
Eagles -9.5 over BROWNS
The Browns have found the perfect QB for their team in Brandon Weeden. He’s a rookie so you can’t expect him to be any good right away. But he’s also turning 29 in October so you can expect him to start to decline in the next few years. That sound you just heard? That was the Browns organization saying “checkmate” to the rest of the NFL.
Fun Fact: Brandon’s teammates are already bored of his stories about “fighting the Hun in the Somme.”
CHIEFS +3 over Falcons
Ugh this game is soooo boring. The falcons need to start sucking again because they’re taking up valuable spots in the playoffs that could be filled with teams that have an actual shot of winning something. I’m on to you Matt Ryan; I know you’re the Irish Mark Sanchez.
Seahawks -3 over CARDINALS
The Seahawks are going to be good this year, and the Cardinals…they’re going to be the Cardinals this year.
Panther -2.5 over BUCCANEERS
I don’t really feel comfortable about this pick, when it comes down to it I trust Cam Newton more than Josh Freeman.
PACKERS -5 over 49ers
Last year the Niners climb from the bottom and almost got to the top of the mountain, this year they’re going to hit every rock as they fall back down.
Steelers -2 over BRONCOS
If Manning gets hit one more time in the neck it could be it for him; which gives me a good enough segue to show you this trailer for the 1978 film “Hooper.”
Can you believe there was a time when Terry Bradshaw had hair and Sally Fields was considered hot??? I blame Jimmy Carter.
Bengals +7 over RAVENS
I think I remember the Bengals being kind of decent last year. Is that possible? Does that sound right to you? Anyway I definitely remember Joe Flacco being terrible, so give me those points.
Chargers +1 over RAIDERS
You think you’re tired of Tebowmania? Philip Rivers was loving God and under performing way before Timmy came on the scene. I expect him to have a comeback season this year and answer all press conference questions with bible verses.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no pass rush, for I know Antonio Gates is open in the flat.”