Welcome back fair readers! Welcome back to another fun week of football. Now unfortunately last week’s picks did not go as planned. If you choose to take my advice you are a total fool you’re starting out in the red. But never fear! The NFL season is a marathon not a sprint. Now is not the time to quit; we learned a lot from week 1 that we can use. Which brings me to this week’s theme:
Yes fair readers this week we have to be the vultures of the NFL. You see, the NFL is a lot like the African Savanna. You got your lions, your leopards, your gazelles, and so on. While it is way too early to figure who the good teams (the lions) are going to be, it’s not too soon to figure out what teams are just limping around just waiting for some predator to gobble them up. This week we’re going to be circling a few teams just waiting for the kill. So without any further ado, LET’S MAKE SOME MONEY!
PACKERS -5 over Bears
Classic overreaction game. While the Packers struggled against a very talented San Fran team, the Bears got to beat up on the hapless Colts. I’m thinking things will get back to normal. Look for the Packers to rebound and Jay Cutler to sulk.
BILLS – 3 over Chiefs
It doesn’t really take Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Harvard degree to figure out the contract the Bills gave him was a huge mistake. That being said, the Chiefs defense puts up about as much resistance as the Belgium army.
BENGALS -7 over Browns
VULTURE ALERT! VULTURE ALERT! Brandon Weeden’s basically a deaf dumb and blind impala covered in BBQ sauce right now. Even the giraffes are thinking he looks tasty.
Vikings -1 over COLTS
Sooo it turns out the team that went 2 -14 last year doesn’t have a whole lot of talent on it.
Raiders -3 over DOLPHINS
We got ourselves another VULTURE ALERT! Did you know that Ryan Tannehill was recruited as a wide receiver, not a quarterback, when he went to Texas A&M. Better question, did the Dolphin’s management know that when they drafted him the first round?
Buccaneers +7 over GIANTS
The Giants are a terrible home team. They can’t run the ball, and their secondary is already a mess. I have no idea who’s on the Bucs* but I’m sure whoever they’re trotting out can cover seven points.
*Let’s be honest, neither do you.
Ravens +3 over EAGLES
It took me about fifteen minutes of research before I was sure this line wasn’t a typo. Yeah, I’m gonna go with the quarterback that didn’t throw four interception last week.
PATRIOTS -14 over Cardinals
Tom Brady v. Kevin Kolb
Saints -2.5 over PANTHERS
Everyone wants to focus on how bad the Saints looked, but the Panthers rushed for 10 yards as a team last week! DeAngelo Williams carried the ball six times for -1 yard! The Saints may have a crappy defense, but it’s pretty hard to exploit that weakness when you’re moving backwards.
TEXANS -7 over Jaguars
Let’s just put the Jags on permanent VULTURE ALERT!
RAMS +3.5 over Washington
Rumor is the good people of DC have already started construction on the Robert Griffin III monument in the National Mall. I feel like Mosses coming down from Mt. Sinai to give these idle worshipers the commandments: THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE ROOKIE QB AS A ROAD FAVORITE.
Cowboys -3 over SEAHAWKS
The paranoid Giants fan in me always makes the Cowboys appear better than they are. This week will be no exception.
STEELERS -5 over Jets
Fool me once Sanchez, shame on me; fool me twice, shame on the Steelers.
Titans +7 over CHARGERS
Wow this game is going to suck.
49ERS -7 over Lions
Ironically it’s the 49ers that are looking the metaphorical lions* or the NFL, meanwhile the Lions are looking more like the baboons.
*Much like actual lion prides, their leader Alex Smith lets the rest of the team do most of the work.
Broncos +3 over FALCONS
Make no mistake Payton is still the silver back until someone knocks him off.
Last Week: 5 – 10
This Season: 5 – 10