Beating Vegas: Week #5

Welcome back to another exciting week of gambling. Before we get to my picks, I want to address some terrible news I learned this week. CBS sports is reporting that the NFL is prepared to move the week 7 game between the Raiders and Jaguars to Monday night if the Oakland Athletics have a home playoff game that Sunday.

This is totally unacceptable! Roger Goodell should be ashamed of himself. Since when does the NFL take its cues from baseball? Don’t get me wrong, there was a time when baseball actually mattered, but it’s not 1942 anymore. Baseball has gone the way of other former American pastimes, like boxing, horse racing, and mistreating the Irish. Why can’t the A’s use some local high school field or a sandlot? They don’t need the Oakland Coliseum to seat all twenty fans.

Now some might ask, John what’s wrong with moving the game to Monday night? I’ll tell you what’s wrong! A Jaguars v. Raiders game needs to take place on Sunday afternoon where it can be overshadow by other football games and ignored. You move that thing to Monday night and suddenly I have to watch that abomination. I’m an American, I don’t have a choice! If football is on TV I can’t turn away.

Anyway that’s my rant, now LETS WIN SOME MONEY!

Cardinals -1.5 over RAMS

Speaking of abominations, it was so nice of Kevin Kolb to drop his pants and take a #2 on the field after I picked him to beat the Rams.

Bengals -3 over DOLPHINS

The Bengals are my old war horse. I pick them each week, and they cover. I don’t know why they don’t get more respect…oh wait it’s because they’re the Bengals.

Packers – 7 over COLTS

The Colts absolutely suck. The Packers are going to really open it up this week. They have something prove after struggling with the Saints in week 4. Aaron Rogers I’m looking at you.

Ravens – 6 over CHIEFS

At this point, the Chiefs aren’t so much of an actual football team as a collection of mobile tackling dummies other teams can practice plays against. Romeo Crennel’s lifeless expression on the sidelines does not breed any confidence the K.C. can cover any single digit spread.

GIANTS -8.5 over Browns

This line used to be Giants by 13. How I would have loved to take the Browns getting that many! But gambling rule #3 says: “when the line changes more than 3 points you goes against the flow.”

Falcons -2.5 over REDSKINS

HAHAHA, the falcons are giving less than a field goal!? Why? How? In what world? I’m pretty sure Atlanta can handle that high school offense Mike Shannahan runs.

Seahawks +3 over PANTHERS

I have to take at least one underdog. Might as well be the team that’s playing the Panthers.

Eagles +3.5 over SEETLERS

Ugh, this was the hardest game of the week to pick. I guess I’m going to take the points if they’re giving more than a field goal.

Bears – 4.5 over JAGUARS

Last week I coined the phrase “Blaine Gabbert and the Failure Brigade”® to describe the Jags, and they went out there and did what they do best, lose by double digits. God bless this rag-tag band of football misfits. No matter how wrong my picks are, each week I know I’m going to get something right.

VIKINGS -5.5 over Titans

Did you know that you can gamble on the Presidential election!? It’s true; Obama is a -350 favorite. Do you know what kind of opportunity these men have!? If I’m running for president, I’m putting all my campaign donations on the other guy; then I’m going on every news outlet I can find to burn American flags and beat the elderly. Will I be hated by every single American citizen? Sure, but that won’t matter when I’m laughing my ass off on my Brazilian estate.

Denver +7.5 over PATRIOTS

I got bad news for Patriot fans. First off, you’re annoying and no one likes you. Second, the Pats have the two worst safeties in the league. If Ryan Fitzpatrick and Scott Chandler can exploit them, what do you think Payton Manning is going to do?

49ERS – 9.5 over Bills

The gold prospectors, that traveled across the country in 1849, decimated the American Bison population as they went. Look for a historical reenactment of that event this Sunday.

Chargers +4 over SAINTS

That’s right. You read that correctly. The winless Saints are giving the 3 -1 Chargers four points. As gamblers, ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to bet and win.


Mark Sanchez, you stay golden pony boy.

Last Week: 8 – 6 – 1

This Year: 31 – 28 – 4


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