Welcome back football fans. Going into last week your favorite football Nostradamus was riding high and looking pretty. I was above .500 with the picks, and the conductor of a gravy train that was going to run all season. If you had taken my advice, you were sitting pretty too; looking at Caribbean islands to buy, and going back and forth between the Lamborghini and Maserati dealerships. Then week six came along. Week six with its miraculous Russell Wilson comebacks and its even more miraculous Brown’s win. Well look at us now. I’m below .500 and you’re just some idiot that took the advice of a law student who does basically no research when making picks. Aren’t we some sad Susans?
Well don’t despair dear reader. It was just one week. These things will happen in football prognosticating. We gotta get right back on that gambling horse and dominate week seven! There’s a sucker born every minute, and starting today that sucker is going to be Vegas. Who’s with me! LET’S WIN SOME MONEY!
49ERS -7 over Seahawks
San Fran was up seven with about 45 seconds left in this game. The Seahawks committed a foul in their own end zone, which would have resulted in a safety and a pushed the lead to nine. A miracle cover! All is well right!? BUT NOOOOO instead Harbaugh #2 declines the penalty and takes the ball on the Seattle 20 yard line.* The Niners take two kneel downs and the game ends up a push. Common sense is damned! Harbaugh #2, you have made a powerful angry enemy.
*It was a fourth down play that fell one yard short of gaining a first down. Had the Seahawks gotten that extra yard, San Fran would have accepted the penalty.
BILLS -3 over Titans
The Bills are a half decent team in Buffalo, and the Titans are winless on the road.
COLTS -1 over Browns
Ugh I watched Andrew Luck going against the Jets last week, and he was absolutely terrible. He was making these horrible side armed throws that were going over receiver’s heads. He had two interceptions that got returned for touchdowns, only to be called back on Jets penalties. I was not impressed by the first pick in the draft, and don’t even get me started on their run defense. All that being said, the last time the Browns won a home game I think Jim Brown was still playing and Brandon Weeden was in high school.*
*Unlike actual Brandon Weeden, Brandon Weeden jokes never get old.
RAMS +6 over Packers
The Rams are undefeated at home. UNDEFEATED! Aaron Rogers, you think you can just waltz into St. Louis and knock off this Rams team!? I DON’T THINK SO. (at least not by seven).
VIKINGS -6.5 over Cardinals
What is the appeal of Russell Crowe? No matter how fat he gets Hollywood continues to put him in roles where he’s a badass that kills people. In Robin Hood I thought his horse was literally going collapse from under him. Is he supposed to be an action star for the 21st century? A fatter hero for a fatter generation! His only enemies are buffet tables and diabetes.
Redskins +7.5 over GIANTS
Oh make no mistake; I don’t think Washington is any good. As a Giants fan, I know what games the Giants get up for and what games they bring the C effort. A road game against the supposedly best team in the league? You’re going to get their best shot. Being favored, at home, against a rookie QB? Not so much. Just ask any Giants fan you know. It’s the reason they were able to beat the Niners, Packers, and Patriots on the road last year, but lost to the Rex Grossman Redskins twice.
BUCCANEERS +2.5 over Saints
I really really wanted to pick the Saints in this one, but I just can’t. Their defense is just so terrible. There is no way they should be giving points on the road.
Cowboys -1 over PANTHERS ***ERIE CANAL LOCK OF THE WEEK
Last week I picked the Cowboys under the theory that either I would be right or they would lose. Either way I’m a winner. Last week they covered but still lost, so I was a double winner! If they end up losing this game to the Panthers Jerry Jones is going to explode. Oh man I can’t wait!
HOUSTON -6.5 over Baltimore
Well look what we got here, a match up of the only two AFC teams with winning records. And wouldn’t you know it, both teams are total frauds. I’m still pissed at the Texans for not covering that 8 point spread against the Jets two weeks ago, and the Packers pulled down their pants in front of a national audience last week. Meanwhile everyone on the Ravens defense is injured. This was a defense that couldn’t stop anyone when they were healthy. Why am I picking the Texans? Because Joey Flacco’s wedding pictures look like this:
RAIDERS -4 over Blaine Gabbert and the Failure Brigade ® (AKA the Jaguars)
Thank God the Jags are back from their bye so I can pick against them once more. While I have trademarked “Blaine Gabbert and the Failure Brigade” Carson Palmer has patented the “back breaking interception returned for a touchdown.” Going on that intellectual property theme, Tom Coughlin is seeking a copyright on the “No one believes we can win this game!” speech.
PATRIOTS -10.5 over Jets
This game reminds me of an old ESPN commercial:
Sanchez! Ryan! Come out and get your whoopin!
BENGALS +1.5 over Steelers
It’s getting pretty lonely on this Bengals bandwagon….
BEARS -6.5 over Lions
I also like:
An actual Bear -3 over an actual lion.
Especially if it’s a Polar Bear; they dominate at home!
Last Week: 5 – 9
This Season: 43 – 44 – 4