Hey there. You look like you could do with some reading material to help procrastinate through this Friday. Well never fear, because Beating Vegas is back and this week we got some stone cold winners. So let’s get to the fun and LET’S WIN SOME MONEY!
Colts -3 over BLAINE GABBERT AND THE FAILURE BRIGADE®
I was thinking of taking the Jags in this game. THE FAILURE BRIGADE! I honestly was for a split second. Thankfully my senses returned. See, you never ever go against the sucky powers of Blaine Gabbert. There is no spread that is high enough. There is no team that’s bad enough. Blaine Gabbert will find away pull out the loss. He’s the bizzaro Manning.
Giants -3.5 over BENGALS
I’m done with you Bengals! It’s over between us. I believed in you; I trusted in you. When people said you can’t have a ginger quarterback, I had your back. When you lost to the Browns, I still had faith. And how do you repay me!? With blowout losses at home. Just gather your ugly uniforms and get out!
DOLPHINS -6 over Titans
It looks like the Titans are bringing back Jake Locker. I gotta say, one of the worst times to be a fan of an NFL team is when you know your young quarterback is terrible, but you gotta play him anyway. You drafted him last year, and all he’s done is suck. Still the team can’t bench him because he’s a first round pick. So you go through the motions of pretending that he’ll “pick up the offense” for another two years. Management made a mistake, but they can’t admit that after just 12 months. Otherwise their asses are gone too. It’s an “emperor has no clothes” situation in Tennessee right now.
VIKINGS +2 over Lions
How are the Lions giving points on the road!? HOW!?
PATRIOTS -11 over Bills
Yeah I know that’s a lot of points, but what do you want me to do? Pick against the Patriots, at home, coming off a bye? Buffalo’s been beat down plenty of times this year, they can definitely take another.
Falcons -1 over SAINTS
Did you know that the Falcons offensive coordinator was the Jaguars offensive coordinator last year? It’s true! Based on that fact, I now present you a brief play detailing how that came about. It is entitled “The Hiring of Dirk Koetter.”
(Scene: Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons, is sitting in his office eating moo shu pork right out of the carton)
Blank: “Man I love me some moo shu! Moo shu ALL DAY!”
(Blank turns on the T.V. to the Jaguars game. Blaine Gabbert throws a pass directly to a Texans defensive back and it intercepted. http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/09000d5d8239a2f8/Gabbert-s-second-interception This causes Blank to do a spit take with his beloved moo shu).
Blank: “My God! Who is this modern day Patton directing this team’s offensive? I must have him!”
BUCCANEERS -3 over Chargers
Norv Turner is becoming the Fidel Castro of the NFL.
Broncos -4 over PANTHERS
I’m not going against Payton Manning two weeks in a row. Hell no, not when he’s going against a Ron Rivera coached team.
Raiders +9 over RAVENS
Come on back door cover!
SEAHAWKS -6 over J – E – T – S JETS JETS JETS
Thankfully the Jets are back from their bye week so I can pick against them once again. This line couldn’t be high enough. Hell, throw another seven points on there; I’m still taking the birds. There is absolutely no way Mark Sanchez is going to be able to move the ball in Seattle.
Cowboys -1 over EAGLES
It’s over. Last week was Andy Reid’s Waterloo*. At least the Cowboys are entertaining when they lose; the Eagles are just pathetic.
*Much like Andy Reid, Napoleon’s great mistake was wasting all his timeouts in the first quarter of the battle.
49ERS -11 over Rams
Between the Chiefs and the Rams, Missouri’s greatest export is terrible football.
Texans EVEN over BEARS
These teams are pretty similar when you think about it. Both are 7 – 1. Each team has lost to the Packers in humiliating fashion. Both teams have a suspect quarterback that’s never won anything, and both have a great defense. I’m going to take the team that doesn’t need to rely on their defense to score.
STEELERS -11.5 over Chiefs
I’m starting to think that taking all those Chiefs players in fantasy football draft was not so wise.
Last Week: 8 – 6
This Year: 63 – 64 – 5