Beating Vegas: Week #11

Hey there football enthusiasts, welcome to week 11 of Beating Vegas. Before we get to my sure fire winners, I want to talk about an injustice going on in Washington. Something so terrible I call on all true citizens to step up in protest. I am of course referring to the Washington Wizards. What the hell!? It’s not like anyone expects this team to be good. Washington will always be the city of over optimistic fans that root for losers. No, my problem with the team, formally known as the Bullets, is that they’re so terribly boring. This team absolutely sucks the life out of you. Don’t you remember just a few years ago when this team was the most exciting/crazy team in the NBA? It was like a boy band; you had Nick Young (the selfish one), Gilbert Arenas (the heavily armed one), JaVale McGee (the stupid one), Flip Saunders (the drunk one), and of course their captain Andray Blatche (the crazy one). A lot of analysts like to talk about chemistry for winning; the Wiz had the chemistry for the basketball version of methamphetamine. Then, Washington’s GM Ernie Grunfeld goes and breaks up party, and for what? Some snooze fest that still can’t win a single game. Rise up Chocolate City! Rise up and demand more insanity from your team!

Alright, that was my basketball rant for this week. Now LET’S WIN SOME MONEY!

Dolphins +2.5 over BILLS

I’ll never regret picking against the Bills, even if Ryan Tannehill has been exposed.

FALCONS -9.5 over Cardinals

I was really hoping the Falcons would go undefeated this year so I would get a lot of points when I pick against them in the playoffs. I think they are going to take out some of their anger this week on John Skelton.

COWBOYS -8 over Browns

The Browns have scored one touchdown in their last two games. Dallas will be alright, as long as Tony Romo can remember to throw it to the guys that are wearing the same colored shirt he’s wearing.

Packers -3 over LIONS

People do remember that the Lions are terrible right?  Calvin Johnson has two touchdowns this year. TWO! I pretty sure even some of the Jets players have more than two. Also, can we talk about Aaron Rogers’ height insecurity?

Rogers is 6’ 2’’ and yet he’s super sensitive. How tall you do have to be before you’re comfortable in your skin? Seven feet? Ten? Chrysler Building? Even Eli Manning is more secure about himself, and he’s still a kid!

Bengals -3.5 over CHIEFS

I don’t not like how much I like the road favorites, but what’s a man to do? Pick the Chiefs? Hmm that ain’t happening. Did you see the Chiefs last Monday? I have never seen such a terrible team do so much taunting. Check out these poor sportsmanship highlights, Dwayne Bowe holding the ball out and the dance party in the end zone. The best part was none of the scores actually counted. What is more Chiefs then taunting on plays that don’t even count, and then getting penalized for the taunts! That’s what it has come to in K.C.

RAMS -3.5 over Jets

Oh man, the schadenfreude on this Jets season has been absolutely delightful. I now present this week’s short play entitled “The Passion of Tebow.”

(Scene: Jets locker room one week ago. Tim Tebow has just finished turning the water in the Gatorade).

-Tebow: Someone this this room is about to betray me.

(Tebow turns to Bart Scot and places his hands on Scott’s shoulders)

-Tebow: I forgive you my son.

-Scott: Man, F*@K YOU!

(End Scene)

REDSKINS -3.5 over Eagles

The Nick Foles era has begun; bet accordingly.

Buccaneers EVEN over PANTHERS

The Bucs are on a rampage, lighting up one terrible team after another. Quick somebody hide the Jags!

TEXANS -15 over Blaine Gabbert and the Failure Brigade®

This was a tough one to pick. Fifteen points is an awful lot. I see a big letdown game for the Texans. This is definitely a stay away game, but since I gotta make a pick….they’re not named the Failure Brigade for nothing.

RAIDERS +4.5 over Saints

I finally take an underdog, and it’s the black and silver. If you’re smart (and you’re not if you ever thought about taking my advice) you’d forget about who wins and take the over. These are some Maginot Line defenses.

Chargers +8.5 over BRONCOS

I don’t think the Chargers can beat the Broncos. I just think they can stay within a touchdown.

PATRIOTS -9 over Colts

I understand that the Patriots secondary is absolutely dreadful. I get that. But I would think all you have to do to stop the Colts is triple team Reggie Wayne.

Ravens -3.5 over STEELERS

Byron Leftwich does everything in slow motion.

Bears +7 over 49ers

Coming up next on ESPN, two back-up quarterbacks go at it!

Last Week: 7 – 7

This Year: 70 -71 – 5


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