Beating Vegas: Week #13

Welcome back to another exciting week of Juris Publici football picks! We have a whole lot to cover this week so lets get down to it.

FALCONS -3 over Saints

I know I’m late but let’s briefly discuss the debacle that was the Lakers coaching search. From what has been reported, it looks like negotiations between Laker’s VP Jim Buss and Phil Jackson were filled with inflated egos and spite. This brings us to this week’s edition of Beating Vegas theatre entitled “Poking the Buss.”

(Setting: Phil Jackson’s cabin in Northern Montana)

Buss:  Ok Phil. What’s it going to take for you to come back to the Lakers?

Jackson: Hmm well first I’m gonna need 13, no, 15 million a year.

Buss: All right, that’s a little step but I think we can do that.

Jackson: Also, I want an ownership stake in the team. Say…10%?

Buss: Ahh, I don’t know about that Phil.

Jackson: Yeah, and I’m not too keen about going on road trips. I’m what you call a “home town coach.”

Buss: Wait what?

Jackson: And you know your sister? The woman I dated the past thirteen years, and never proposed to?

Buss (visibly red): Yeah…

Jackson: She refuses to wear this French maid outfit I got her last year; see if you can do something about that.

(Buss storms out of the cabin, and immediately calls Mike D’Antoni)

BEARS -3.5 over Seahawks

The Seahawks must be a non-migratory bird, because they don’t travel well.

Blaine Gabbert Chad Henne and the Failure Brigade +7 over BILLS

Jason Babin probably thought it couldn’t get worse than what was happening in Philly. Oh Jason, how very wrong you were.

Colts +5 over LIONS

I’m not happy how the NFL handled the Ndamukong Suh groin kick. It decided fine Suh, but not to suspend him. Now, presumably the NFL decided that Suh intentionally kicked Houston QB Matt Schaub in the “Schaubs” that’s why they fined him. If you do think he intentionally went with the testicle attack, how are you only going to fine him for 30K!? Kicking another man in the area with cleats needs to get you the full Pete Rose treatment. I’m talking lifetime ban. Forget Adderall and concussions, we’re talking about a violation of the Man Code!

PACKERS -8 over Vikings

Can someone check up on Canada? I haven’t heard anything from our northern neighbors since the NHL lockout started. Give them a number to a suicide hotline or something. (Also pick me up some syrup)

Texans -6 over TITANS

I’m going to throw out an idea to you. What if the Vice President of the United States decided all ties? Not just ties in the Senate, we’re talking any ties in the United States. You remember that Rams/Niners game a few weeks back? What if at the end of the game they called Joe Biden and he pronounced a winner. Anytime you and a buddy end up with the same amount of points in fantasy that week, you can give the VP a ring and get a winner. Suddenly people don’t even care who’s running for president. All people in Philly want to know is, does the potential VP hate the Cowboys.

Carolina -3 over CHIEFS

Have the Chiefs quit on Romeo Crennel? Is so tough to figure out when they were terrible to begin with. Where does lack of talent stop and lack of effort begin?

RAMS +8 over 49ers

Colin Catnip is going to have a bad game at some point.

DOLPHINS +9 over Patriots

“Cave Domus Subvictor” – Julius Caesar. Even Caesar knew to beware the home team giving more than 7 points.

JETS -4.5 over Cardinals

Oh no! Fire Man Ed is stepping down from his self appointed title as team fireman. Who is going to help the ape like Jets fans spell out their team name!? Ed said he can no longer fulfill his super fan duties, because his fellow fans are being too mean and rude to him. What, them?

Each week, when I think the suffering of the Jets couldn’t bring me any more joy, they go out there and surprise me. You stay classy!

Buccaneers +8 over BRONCOS


BA_K    DOO_     _OVE _

“Pat I’d like to solve the puzzle. BACK DOOR COVERS!”

RAIDERS EVEN over Browns

It’s unclear whether or not Brandon Weeden will be able to go this week after suffering a concussion against the Steelers last week. The concussion test remains unclear. It’s difficult to tell what symptoms Weeden is suffering is a result of the concussion and which are just are result of senility brought on by extreme old age.

Bengals EVEN over CHARGERS

Betting against the Chargers is like betting the Sun is going to come up in the morning.

Steelers at Ravens (NO LINE)

Vegas isn’t sure about the status of Big Ben’s boo boo.

COWBOYS -10.5 over Eagles

MWAHAHA. Burn Philly burn!

REDSKINS +2.5 over Giants

You know I’m always going against the Giants in a big game. Get that Reverse Jinx Mojo going.

Last Week: 9 – 6 – 1


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