Beating Vegas: Week #14

Welcome back to Juris Publici’s Beating Vegas. If you’ve been following the last few weeks you’d know that I’ve been on a bit of a hot streak picking games. This is good news for two reasons. First, I finally have physical evidence to prove what I’ve known for quite some time, I am a total genius. Second, you got a chance to ride the hot hand and get some money for the holiday shopping. I mean, you could do the generous thing and spend that money on others, OR you could save it for yourself and stick with your original plan of getting everyone Nicholas Cage DVD’s from the Wal-Mart $5 bin. Either way, LET’S WIN SOME MONEY!

Broncos -10 at RAIDERS

Okay so I forgot to make a pick in this game, which is probably a good thing since I would most likely have taken the Raiders. (I’m a sucker like that). I don’t know about you, but for me Thursdays are for basketball. Week after week NFL is putting out terrible match ups between teams on short rest. It’s an inferior product. Meanwhile TNT has Charles, Kenny, and the Heat losing by double digits. That’s a no contest.

Rams +3 over BILLS

Who knows with these two teams. Just take the points and cross your fingers.

Cowboys +3 over BENGALS

Four weeks ago I wrote this about the Cincinnati Bengals:

I’m done with you Bengals! It’s over between us. I believed in you; I trusted in you. When people said you can’t have a ginger quarterback, I had your back. When you lost to the Browns, I still had faith. And how do you repay me!? With blowout losses at home. Just gather your ugly uniforms and get out!”

They then proceeded to win four straight games. Well guess Bengals, I DON’T CARE IF YOU CHANGED! I’m very happy on the Buccaneers bandwagon. I won’t let you hurt me again. It’s like my girl Taylor Swift says, we are never ever getting back together! (Unless you play the Cardinals).

Chiefs +7 over BROWNS

Speaking of Taylor Swift, at this point aren’t the guys dating her just trying to get a song written about them? Between her and Adele, crappy ex-boyfriends are the muse for like 20% of the pop music industry.

COLTS -5 over Titans

Shout out to my Binghamton Senators of the AHL. Second place in the Eastern Division. Watch out Syracuse Crush, the B Sens are coming for ya!

VIKINGS +3 over Bears

Christian Ponder got engaged to ESPN sideline report Samantha Steele (Sammy Steel to her friends) this week. It’s a good thing Samantha does college sports; otherwise there could be some awkward interactions while she’s doing her job:

Samantha: “Hey Christian, I noticed that you can’t seem to complete a forward pass. It that something you’re hoping to change in the second half?”

Christian: “Uhh…yeah hopefully I will play better.”

Samantha: “Well let’s hope so, because if I wanted to marry a first round bust I’d have gone out with Matt Leinart.”

STEELERS -7.5 over Chargers

I think the Chargers and Eagles should trade head coaches; Norv for Reid straight up. That would be the greatest day in sports radio history. The rioting that would occur in downtown Philly would be unparalleled. Andy Reid would get off the plane in San Diego, call nine timeouts in a row, and then head off to the nearest in and out burger.

BUCCANEERS -7.5 over Eagles

I went with a rather ambitious strategy in my fantasy basketball draft this year. I took several premier point guards that are starting off the season with injuries. This has left Larry’s Legends severely undermanned to start the season. I’m trying to hold down the fort until the cavalry arrives. (Put’s on Princess Leia robe) Help me Ricky Rubio, you’re my only hope!

Falcons -3.5 over PANTHERS

I was so ready to take the Panthers this week. I had this whole rant on how Cam Newton gets treated unfairly. I was going to talk about how much I like Cam and all of that. But Friday comes around, and the line is only 3.5!? For a team that just lost to the Chiefs!? You gotta give me more than that.

REDSKINS -1.5 over Ravens

It’s the battle of the belt-way! Charm City v. Chocolate City. No one gets more belligerently drunk for sporting events then the good citizens of Maryland. Fed Ex field better bring extra security, because it’s going to be a civil war in those cheap seats. “WHAT THE F@%K YOU JUST SAY ABOUT SONNY JURGENSEN!” (Stabs brother in the face with a piece of crab shell).

Jets -2.5 over Blaine Gabbert Chad Henne and the Failure Brigade®

OHHH BUDDY! CHRISTMAS IS COMING EARLY THIS YEAR! This is what I’ve been waiting for all season. The Super bowl of Suck is finally here. I am so excited. My two favorite punch lines of the season go head to head to see who can out embarrass the other. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m going to a sports bar this Sunday just so I can watch the Hindenburg run right into the Titanic on live T.V. This could be Sanchez’s “Requiem” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Requiem_%28Mozart%29. His final masterpiece of ineptitude. A plethora of interceptions. A bounty of buttfumbles. My only complaint is that he won’t be going up against his rival in incompetence, Colonel Gabbert. Shoulder injury be damned! Blaine you get out there and go interception for interception with Sanchez!

49ers -10 over Dolphins

Don’t look now Miami, but Brandon Weeden is playing better than Tannehill.

Saints +5 over GIANTS

Drew Brees is 4 – 0 against the Giants with 11 touchdowns and 0 interceptions in his career. As a Giants fan I can tell you those stats are misleading, he’s been much more dominating than that.

Seahawks -10 over the Cardinals

I don’t know what’s more automatic at this point, taking the Seahawks at home, or just going against the Cardinals.

Lions +7 over PACKERS

The Lions may be losing every week, but generally they’re keeping it close. With all the Packers injuries, I think they can keep it within a touchdown.

PATRIOTS -3 over Texans

They should swap in the Jags/Jets for Monday night. Give the people what they want Goodell!

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