Hey it’s finals week. You’re busy. I’m busy. Let’s get right to it, shall we? LET’S WIN SOME MONEY!
Bengals at Eagles (the line was +3.5)
I’m done with Thursday games.
FALCONS -1 over Giants
Any Giants fan can tell you what games the Giants are going to win and lose from here on out. The only question is what games the Redskins are going to win…
Redskins Even over BROWNS
…this game. They’re going to win this game.
Packers -3 over BEARS
The Bears playoff chances seem to melting away
Don’t you cry Bears fans, Brian Urlacher will be back again someday.
Vikings +2.5 over RAMS
After next Monday I never want to see the phrase “fiduciary duty” again.
Blaine Gabbert Chad Henne and the Failure Brigade +8 over DOLPHINS
Did you know that Jacksonville, Florida and Washington D.C. were founded the same year? I now present to you the Congressional Debate surrounding that event:
(Scene: New York City 1790, America’s founding Fathers meet to lay out the creation of a capital city)
Madison: We need a city for a new nation that can stand independent of the states and serve as the capital for this great democracy.
Franklin: Yeah and we need a place for all the meth dens and strip clubs this country is going to have.
Hamilton: God Damnit Franklin!
Franklin: What!? We do!
Jefferson: What if we set something up in like Northern Florida; we’ll call it Seminole City or something. That way it’s far away from civilization and Franklin and the rest of the freaks get go do whatever they do there.
Madison: Alright it’s settled. We’ll build one city on the Potomac as the capital, and we’ll build another one in Florida for other stuff…
SAINTS -3 over Buccaneers
Hmm no idea about this one.
Broncos -2.5 over RAVENS
The Ravens are so very fraudulent.
HOUSTON -8 over Colts
Speaking of frauds, Texans fans can go back to not existing again.
Lions -6 of CARDINALS
Can we talk about this Bud light commercial for a second? You know the one where a guy walks in to find that another man is in his house with his girlfriend. The man explains that he used to live there and their couch was his lucky seat for watching Niners games.
First of all, that guy needs to dump his girlfriend. If I walk into my house and there’s another man therewith my girl, there better be a better explanation then he’s there to watch the game. I just caught her in the beginning or tail end of infidelity. Second, even if I believed them, she just let in a dude into our house that feels the need to sit on our couch because “it’s his lucky seat.” You don’t want to be dating a girl that will, A. let a possibly psychotic person into your house and B. give that person alcohol. That kind of bad decision making is going to get the both of you killed.
BUFFALO -5.5 over Seahawks
This gaming is being played in Toronto. My sources are telling me that is a place in Canada.
Panthers +3 over CHARGERS
The Carolina Panthers: Somehow better than the Falcons, but worse than the Chiefs.
COWBOYS +2 over Steelers
Hypothetical Trade: Tony Romo for Mark Sanchez and full pan of homemade lasagna. Who says no?
OAKLAND -2.5 over Chiefs
If the NFL schedules this game but nobody watches it, does it really happened? That’s what CBS is going to find out this Sunday.
49ers +5.5 over PATRIOTS
You can’t give Colin Catnip that many points!
Jets +1.5 over TITANS
I want the Jets to make the playoffs so badly. They’ve done all the failing they can do in a regular season game. Let’s raise the stakes!